The Reluctant Widow

"It's been almost a year and the world just keeps going."

A. Rough. Night.

Lately I am always close to tears.  Maybe it's the season, remembering all the last activities, days, moments and conversations together that I had no idea would be our last. 

But, you keep smiling, keep moving, keep getting up in the morning.  Everyone thinks I'm ok but I am heartbroken.  It is so hard. 

My daughter is so wise.  It is so unfair that she will not grow up with her Daddy around.  She who is all things beautiful and smart, funny and bright and happy and joyous and light.  She came to me tonight.  We talked for the longest time, relaxed on the bed.  She told me all about all the "goings on" at school.  Then she got really quiet and said, "It's been almost a year and the world just keeps going."  She is so wise. 

It seems impossible to me that everything just keeps moving forward.  She in her 12 year old wisdom, said what I am always thinking.  I'm sure she thinks about it more than I know.

Snippets of what she said...

UVA is playing Virginia Tech on the 28th.
It's a Saturday, last year it was the 29th.

I think Ding Ding gave up his season tickets because of Daddy

No one asked us to a game this year and that's ok because I don't ever want to go.

I don't ever want to go back to that hospital.  I hate that hospital.

And your birthday was four days later...I felt so bad for you. 

Birthdays are supposed to be happy with presents and celebration. 

It was so sad.

I am grateful today for my children.  More than they know.

 

  
  

Long time no see!

 
  
  
So, still not too sure about the blog thing but I figure...why not just keep with it.  There are no rules so I can do what I want right?

Life has been busy.  The kids are excited about Halloween!  They have better social calendars than I do for sure! My house is decorated for fall and that feels nice but of course the whole time I'm doing it I think to myself...self, why am I doing this when in a few short weeks I will be putting this away and getting Christmas stuff out? 

The day my sweetheart died, I was decorating the house for Christmas.  Full on cleaning and decorating with my sister.  We were both so excited about our progress.  The men were going to come home from the football game and we were all going to meet for dinner at my Mom and Dad's house.  It was my birthday dinner.  Spaghetti was on the menu.  We never had that meal.  I think my husband died around the time I was carrying an old Christmas tree up from the basement to take to goodwill. It was heavy and I was laughing and losing my grip.  Little did I know I would really be losing my grip soon.

I think of that often.  What I was doing when he was dying.  It bothers me so that I wasn't with him but have been told it's probably better that I wasn't.  It was fast...or so I hear.

So we are coming up on the one year anniversary.  I can tell...I think my kids can tell.  We've all been hurrying along, oh so busy and lately everyone seems to be on edge again.  Sad, weepy...I think it's the season.  I've always thought you remember things by the seasons with your senses.  I think we do it without even realizing.  So, it's the season.  Things smell the same, activities are similar...only last year he was here.  It's hard.

Some good news though...I finally turned in all the paperwork for my teaching license.  It was a long time coming but I did it!! I know my sweetheart would be proud...he was so supportive!  It feels so good to have that off my shoulders.  Now on to the next thing!

I have been organizing and I think with my current state of mind I will be repurposing fun things from Goodwill again.  So much fun to find something, add a coat of spray paint and make it new!  I did this with these cute little mirrors for my daughters room.  They were ugly...I found two mirrors at two different times, they were two different colors.  I brought them home unscrewed the mirrors to clean them and spray painted the frames...put them back together and viola!  So cute, my daughter loves them.  They are definitely vintage and get this....we opened up the latest Pottery Barn Teen catalogue and THEY HAD ONE JUST LIKE IT as a decoration in one of their rooms!  I bet theirs weren't fifty cents a piece!!  My daughter was so tickled!!   Anyway, you never know what goodies you will find at GW (Like the Southern Living At Home Dress It Up plate for $1.00!!)

My thrifting will continue and I will keep sprucing things up around here.  That seems to keep me focused and occupied with something productive!  Picture above shows my sweet daughter's room.  We updated and perked things up for her birthday.  I installed the new chandelier all by myself!!  (I will admit it was very frustrating but what a sense of accomplishment!).  She loves her new room!!  On to the next project...will keep you posted!

Crafting/Scrapbooking/DIY-ing

I am crafty person.  I love to make things.  I have a craft room so full of supplies that if I wanted to I could make gifts for every person for every occasion.  I haven't done much crafting at all since my sweetheart died.  Lately however I am reading these blogs of amazingly resourceful and crafty women and becoming inspired!  I did a powder room makeover, I made a chalkboard out of a picture from Goodwill, I have been spray painting everything I can get my hands on, and I am motivated to do MANY other things!  There are even posts about garage makeovers that encouraged me to start working on my garage!

With that said, I found a wonderful blog entitled Beneath My Heart by a girl named Traci...just like me!  She makes all kinds of things and isn't afraid of tools!  Because of her I am going to go out and buy a miter box and saw!  I'm too afraid to do the electric thing.  But I think I could do the manual saw.  Anyway, she has a great blog and is hosting a giveaway.  She made an awesome shelf that was the inspiration for my future miter box and saw purchase!!!  The picture below is of Traci and is from her blog.  So, even though I have zero readers at this point CHECK IT OUT ANYWAY!!!  : ) .  Her blog is beneathmyheart.blogspot.com/  

Enjoy!

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium

So, I recently watched a movie with my daughter that I hadn't seen before.  It appealed to me long ago because I love Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman, but I never watched it.  So, I sat on the couch with my daughter and watched it all the way through.  I was completely enchanted with this movie, it's sweet message, the color and the beautiful quotes.  Many times I thought, "that applies to my life."  It made me cry...and it is still making me cry. 

Quite honestly, I have been breaking down often these days but only when I'm alone.  I don't know why I feel so strongly that I must keep it together for the children.  But, when they are asleep, or even at school it seems like I can't stop crying.  It's been 9 months.  Is this normal?  I'm sure it is.  I feel waves of anguish that just completely take me over.  When I am alone at night and close my eyes to think of how it used to be when we were hanging out, talking together...I can almost touch it.  But, not really.  It takes my breath.

We talked so much and I just crave his presence, his advice, his input, his thoughts, his willingness to listen.  I crave it all and it makes me feel so empty to know that he is gone.  He is truly gone.

 In watching the movie, many of these emotions were close to the surface.  It is a lovely movie but the quotes were so poignant to me.  Almost as thought the message was all mine.  These are the quotes that spoke to me:

 

It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.

I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin.

We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy and bravery.

I highly recommend this movie.  It is full of color and happiness and joy and sadness and kindness and love.  I will watch it again. 

Cream Cheese Donut

So, today has been a long and busy day.  I had a hair appointment this a.m. at an Aveda Salon.  Why would anyone go anywhere else?  It is so pampering.  Massage and aroma therapy oils are built into the experience.  It's about the only relaxation I get these days and I look forward to it. 

My sweet husband was very touchy with me...as most married couples are.  It was just natural to hug, hold a hand, rub a back, kiss a forehead.  All the things you casually do without even thinking about it.  It is hard to put into words how odd it is to never be touched with affection.  Of course I get hugs and kisses from the children and love every moment, but it is a different thing really.

Anyway, the point is... the neck and head massage is a true treat because I am otherwise paying no attention to "me"  but it makes me sadly aware of the lack of touch in my life.

On a positive note - good things about today:

• A wonderful friend took my children to a baseball game.  We love baseball -- I try to take them as much as possible since their Daddy can't anymore.  That was their "thing" all summer long - baseball games.  Friends and family have helped get the kids to the games this summer as well.  It's been a group effort .
• I cleaned out so much because we are having.....A GARAGE SALE!!!   I hate garage sales actually...love going, hate having them.  But, I am looking at it as a positive because I have accomplished so much in the "cleaning out" arena.  I am not getting rid of any of my husband's things.  Not ready to do that. 
• My parents brought me dinner  (Mom cooked) and a yummy cream cheese donut from a locally owned and operated donut shop for dessert.  Yum!  They are my favorite. Good thing I don't live closer to their establishment!

That's all for today.  Must go to bed so I will be on my garage sale game! 

Snooze too many times

So, my youngest missed the bus today.  Day 4 of the new school year and we already overslept.  Nice.   This resulted in my oldest also missing her bus...although, she had plenty of time to get ready.  We have entered into the era of primp. 

Fortunately, the elementary school is not giving out tardies this week.  They must know...transitions and all.  Everyone is moving slow. 

I came home to spend part of the day resolving an insurance issue.  Our dental coverage was denied.  Not, of course, until we had full xrays and such for all three of us, along with our normal cleanings.    January's visit was covered...what?  This makes no sense.  After two days on the phone, mystery solved and thank goodness-dental coverage for all.  This caused such stress for me envisioning a lifetime of no dental insurance for two children as well as myself...finding private insurance-where to even begin.  "It's all Good" as my husband would have said.  Take a deep breath.

 

What I enjoyed today:

• Mickey D's Large Diet Coke...they have the best fountain drinks.
• Started watching the first season of Mad Men.  Interesting.  Love looking at all the set decor and the clothes.  Crazy the way women in the workplace were treated (if there's any truth to it). And all the smoke!  Wow...they smoke like crazy. I have been worrying about the health of the actors!  The things that run through my head...anyway, I'm enjoying it so far.
• The kids enthusiasm for school...despite the late start.
• More progress in my garage clean out.  What a pit.  I'm taking it a little at a time and have made progress over the last couple of weeks. Will post pictures when I'm all done!  Funny how a tidy garage can be such a positive thing.

Ok, off to cram in a few more tasks before calling it a night!

 

 

Out of the Box

Why is this so stressful? 

 I don't know.  I love reading blogs and quite honestly the words of other bloggers have kept me sane these last nine months.  So, after careful thought and deliberation, here I go. 

My husband died nine months ago. 

Nine months ago Saturday to be exact.  It was unexpected.  He was young.  It took my breath and I am still learning how to be.  I have two wonderful children who have kept me sane...kept me going everyday when I really wanted to pull the covers over my head.  They don't even know they are doing it...they are just being themselves, but I am so grateful.

So, this is our story.  From this point anyway.  In some ways I feel I should have been blogging all along so I will remember.  But sadly, the grim is ingrained in my head like a slow motion movie and I don't think I will ever forget it.  It replays itself and I have to shake it off.

It is odd how the days continue to pass. Others before me have said it so much better.  When you lose someone you love, you analyze everything.  How can everyone still be smiling, how can they laugh.  How do you go to the grocery store, gas station, anywhere really- just fill in the blank.  How does it all just keep going without that person in the world.  It is still amazing to me.  Nine months in, we are making our way and finding a new normal.  We laugh and play and go and do and visit and travel. We have become a family of three and we are doing the best we can...reluctantly.